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I've Got Something to Say
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Before our 10:50 worship service started at Fee Fee Baptist Church, my wife pulled me aside and said that there has been a shooting at First Baptist Maryville (IL) and that Pastor Fred had been shot. There were not many more details available at that time. My response was partial disbelief and partial numbness. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone want to shoot Fred?"
Nothing was said during the service, mostly not to distract from the spirit of celebration of the weekend long event known as Disciple Now or D-Now. The guest band that was leading worship had been at First Baptist Maryville two weekends ago, serving in the same capacity there for their D-Now. One of the band members made a 'vague' reference to a sister church going through a tough situation right now, but nothing else was said during the service until right at the end. After the sermon, time of invitation, offering and highlighting some of the announcements, our Pastor made references to some prayer items for folks to know about, including the shooting at the church and that it resulted in one fatality – their pastor Dr Fred Winters. Then after announcing that our deacon body was already scheduled to meet that afternoon and start going over some new safety procedures, he went into his closing prayer.
As he began to pray - the congregation had already been called to our feet for the prayer - I had to sit back down and laid my head on the back rest of the pew in front of me and I began to cry. Not only did I cry, I cried very deeply - very deep sobs and very deep groans.
Why was I sobbing so? That's a good question and now, nine days later, I don't know if I have full answer. Here are my thoughts so far, though.
Well, first, my contact with Fred goes back to my college days at Southwest Baptist University in Bolivar, MO. Fred and Paul shared one room, and Robert and I shared the other room of a two bedroom apartment in the fall of 1984. Having said that, I claim Fred as a friend, but not a close friend. I had followed Fred’s & FBC Maryville’s ministry from afar the past several years as I have been on the mailing list for their weekly newsletter. So, my friendship would be an understandable reason for crying (mourning), but not necessarily the deep crying I exhibited
Well, if you read some of my recent blog entries, then you know that my mother-in-law past away a few weeks ago, so maybe some of my mourning from that experience was coming out. A highly respected deacon of our church, Lance, had passed away in the last couple weeks ago, there may be some mourning from that. A good friend of my, Phil, is going through some health issues, and I haven’t been in contact with him for a few weeks now – maybe I’m feeling some guilt over that? I think all of these were part of my episode, but honestly I think there was something a little bit more. To be honest with you, and this does sound a little strange to me too, I believe I was experiencing a deep hurt spirit from the events that had been reported – it cut me deep, it deeply stirred my spirit. I wish I could word it a little better than that. As I sat there with my head buried on my arms resting on the pew back in front of me, I would just keep envisioning the events that happened at FBC Maryville and how traumatic that would be for the congregation as they watched it unfold, how sorrowful the days ahead would be for his wife and daughters, how the church body will need to hold themselves together in the days ahead to continue it’s ministry in their community. As those images played over & over in my mind, my body would just start a deep sob, and it got to the point that my abs were starting to hurt – kind of the same feeling from the heaving action when throwing up.
My wife, who had slipped out of the service earlier came and knelt on the pew in front of me so she could cuddle over me during this – and I believe my daughter and/or sister-in-law who were sitting to my right had come up beside me to hug me during this time too. Once I regained my composure, I felt alright – not necessarily the same as I started the day, but I felt a peace, God’s peace, that I would be alright after this, and that the church at Maryville would be alright; they will be able to move forward. My prayer each day is that they are able to claim and recognize God’s peace and strength among them.
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